Holes…

Many years came and went before I realized that the holes that once filled my life were finally gone. True happiness had settled in and I no longer felt out of place in my own skin.

It is so strange to me sometimes that there are people who look at my life, which is very simple, and say that I must be unhappy. They look at me like I am crazy when I tell them I am not and proceed to argue the points of how incomplete in my life is without certain things.

I realize that it is all a matter of perspective. Those who constantly advise me on how to make my life “happier” look at my life and see holes because my life lacks the things they cannot feel complete without. “Misery loves company,” so they project this unhappiness to me, and try to justify their needs by trying to convince me that I am missing something. The holes they see in my life are actually holes in theirs. I can be complete and happy just as I am – with what I have, and they have not found a way to do so in their own lives.

There are times when I wish that I could simply say to them, “Just because your life has holes in it does not mean mine has to have them too.” But I know that they are convinced that their lives are perfect and must find the truth on their own. Until then I will keep these quotes close to my heart:

A man is not rightly conditioned until he is a happy, healthy, and prosperous being; and happiness, health, and prosperity are the result of a harmonious adjustment of the inner with the outer of the man with his surroundings.

~ James Allen

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?

~ Albert Camus

True happiness arises, in the first place, from the enjoyment of one’s self…

~ Joseph Addison

To be happy we must not be too concerned with others.

~ Albert Camus

The happy man is not he who seems thus to others, but who seems thus to himself.

~ Publilius Syrus

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Healing is Bittersweet…

Along the way I have learned that the healing process brings joy and sorrow, sometimes wrapped up in one. It is a beautiful thing that sometimes makes me sad.

Like the time that I saw my father in my brother. That moment opened my eyes to the man my father was and forever will remain. It gave me a new perspective on my mother, and my relationship with my brother. That moment released me somehow. I learned that I was not a bad child, simply a child who could no longer live with the anger and abuse. It brought me joy because it brought freedom.

Yet, at the same time, it brought sorrow because I knew that these traits now live in my brother. I can see him treating his ex-wife and daughter as my father treated my mother and me. Not only this, but the knowledge came that I would never have a relationship with my father. Thus, the sadness in my joy.

Or, like the time that I realized that my grandmother had the power to stop my grandfather and never did. I was so angry with her. It hurt me so much to know that she never said a word. No one told me that I was not the only one. No one ever told anything.

But I understand why she never spoke. He threatened that he would kill her before he would let her divorce him! She felt she had to threaten him silently by having my cousin at the divorce hearing. She is a fragile woman in mind, and she has done what she felt she had to. Just as I must do what I have to. Her silence brings me sorrow, but my understanding brings me comfort.

There is joy in my freedom, even though it brings others sorrow. I am sad that I can never have a relationship with these two people, but I know that one day they will understand. Many tell me that I will feel differently when my father and grandmother pass. Though I know this is true, it is not for the reasons they believe. It is because I know that, when that day comes, there will be a release of all the secrets. Both will know the pain that they have caused, and why I never came. True forgiveness will blanket all the wrongs, and peace will touch us all. Bittersweet will be that day, but pain will not touch my heart.

Two Years Later… (an excerpt from my original Survivor site)

When I started this page two years ago, I never would have thought that I would be able to tell you that life was good. Yet, here I am, saying those very words! LIFE IS SO GOOD!! What more could I ask for?

Some of you have become very familiar with my journey, others have just begun to examine it. No matter what you have read, I want you to know above all things about the new life that I have. It’s been a really long time since I have been able to write to you about the things in my life, but I felt I just had to stop an share. Someone needs to hear the words I am about to say.

Life was really hard to stand up under for a long time. It hurt to know that the people that were supposed to love me thought so little of me. Part of me died when I realized that the love that I had for others was not returned. This was not only true for my grandfather and my cousin, but for my best friend too. The person I imagined I would spend forever with was ripped from my life. Not only was my heart empty, but my soul had a gigantic hole that I thought I could never fill. I just wanted to die. I would no longer be empty. None of this would matter anymore.

Time went on, even though I thought it was extremely unfair that everyone else’s lives could continue when mine had halted. I could not see how everyone else could just keep going and leave me there in that dark place – alone. Now I know that it was a place that no one else could go. It was a place where I did not want to be alone, but I was the only one who knew the way through the darkness. So I stumbled along. My friends were there. They loved me through it all. Please don’t think they left me – it was only that they could not follow.

Light came into my heart, and the emptiness began to fill. I found places that my friends could visit. Sometimes it hurt to let them see the destruction in my soul. I did not want them to know how horrible it looked in there, but they came. Somehow, my heart healed. The only explanation I have is that God started to smooth out the rough walls. Jesus showed me his scars. He had been abandoned and alone. His friends could not follow him – he even told them that once. He knew the darkness when he was left to his pain – forsaken by all he loved.

Remodeling had begun. Once, every room was hung with dark curtains and decorated in sparse furniture. I wasn’t going to stay in those places, and I certainly would not invite anyone else in those deepest rooms. All they were allowed to see the small waiting room that was nice and cheery, but they knew there was a secret behind the door. The curtains came down, and where there once was only darkness, there was light. Every room had a view, each more lovely than the last. Elegant furniture, flowers, and life.

How did I get here, I prayed, and I cried. I let go of myself – let go of my pain. I could not hold these things, because they held me. Yet, when I stopped trying, they let go of me. I guess pain is a lot like me. It likes to be wanted. If you hold on – it will take hold of you, but when you let go – it lets go of you.

Life is good. It’s not perfect. I still have my fears like, “What if I find someone who loves me, and I tell them about this part of me, and they do not want me anymore?” It’s irrational, I know, but it is still a fear that grabs me sometimes. One day, someone will show me that I am wrong, but I have to believe it first.

I have to go now. I hope that what I have said has touched you and given you hope. You can go on. You will get though. Just hold on and believe.