Have you ever had something that you just cannot remember? You know it is something you need to know or say, but for some reason, no matter how long you wait, it never comes to mind?
There is this memory – one I cannot shake. I am not sure how old I was, so I cannot place it on a time line. All I can remember is taking a bath at my grandmother’s and being afraid. You see, there was an older man there (my step-grandfather), and I was anxious that he would come in to the bathroom while I was alone. I am not sure if this is a normal fear for most children, as it is something I was always afraid of as a child. Since I cannot remember how old I was, I am not sure if this moment came after my grandfather molested me or not.
There are a few memories I have of this place where my grandmother lived. I am not sure how many of them are from separate times, and how many were from the same visit. What I know is that I remember every place I have ever slept, except that one. For some reason, I have always memorized every room, even if I only slept there one time. Yet, I spent the night at this place, and do not remember a single thing about it.
Those two puzzle pieces, coupled with one other, make me feel as though something more went on. One afternoon, after my grandmother, aunt, cousin and I had been on an outing (this I do not remember either), we returned to the house to find the door locked. When we tried to get in, this man came to the door and told my grandmother to leave and never return. He was angry and he was accusing her of something. I was confused. I did not know what was going on. All I could think of was that my doll and my clothes were in the house. I begged and pleaded with him to let us come in and get our things. The memory fades from there, but I think he might have set my things outside the door.
Honestly, if there is more, I do not want to know. Yet there is this nagging feeling that I cannot escape. It is a very uncomfortable feeling that I wish I could just ignore.