Sometimes I just wish that I could say their names out loud. I wish I could just point them out to others and say, they are the ones who abused me. Sometimes, I just wish that the rest of the world knew the kind of people they are. Yet, I still hold back. Why? I am not sure. At times, I think it is self-preservation. I fear that if I speak their names publicly, then I will bring their wrath, opening myself and my character up for more abuse. Yet at other times, I wonder if I am still doing it to “protect” them from my anger. I still worry about skewing the perception of others against them, I feel like pointing them out would be asking others to judge them.
Then I have to ask myself, why do I want to say their names out loud? Most times, I just want to say them because they are a SECRET that burns inside my mind. Other times, I feel that, although I know they will never admit to the wrongs they have done, I would like for them to still be responsible for them. While I keep their names secret, they go on with their lives. They do not have to live with the burden of having done something wrong, because no one is openly telling them they did wrong. Maybe sometimes, I just want them to feel a fraction of the pain I have felt. Maybe I would like for them to feel what it is like to be shunned, misunderstood, and disliked. Yet, the one reason that concerns me most is, how many other children have been/are in danger because I have not spoken the names of my abusers?
While this conflict tears me apart at times, I think about my list of abusers and their enablers. It is a fairly short list. It amazes me to think how such a few people could have had such a negative impact on my life. Their actions have haunted, hurt, and tormented me for over 20 years, and it has taken twice as many positive people to overcome the damage they have done.
Positive people. I can list those. There is no stigma attached to the people who have supported me, nor is there shame in saying their names out loud. Saying their names reminds me that there is hope, and it also reminds me that there is good. With that said, here is a list of the people who were a part of the major turning points in my healing journey:
While those listed may never have known what I was going through, I can remember exactly what they did to change something in my life. The ones who are starred, either were the catalyst for one of my blog posts, or have been mentioned anonymously in the posts or journal entries that I have shared. Whether it be linking me to new friends, giving me a chance to express myself, giving me the courage to speak up, or fueling an emotional breakthrough, they have each done something extremely important in my life. I am thankful for their presence, and I know I would not be the person I am today if it were not for their support.