Don’t Judge Me…

After sending my last message, this is what I received in return:

oh me….i do NOT know what to say in response to that. So SAD!!!!!!!!!!! 😦 I know you dont know me that well…but let me say this…..I had a HORRIBLE childhood…my parents were awful but nothing could ever make me stop loving them!!!!!!!

I wrote a long response, but at the advice of people who love me, I cut it down to this:

The beauty of it is this, you don’t have to think of a response. I’m not looking for people to make things better. Honestly, for me they are. I don’t feel I need or have to explain myself to anyone.

She wrote this back in return:

Then so be it. I hope you don t regret it all once he is dead and gone. My heart breaks for you & all involved.

To be honest, I wasn’t going to respond any more.  I was going to wait and see how she responded, and then block her if it was snide…but I’m so tired of being and feeling judged for the things that I think and feel about my own life.  So I put all my thoughts together, and sent one final response:

Does your heart break because my heart is no longer broken and I no longer feel unloved, unworthy, and damaged?

Do you really hope that I don’t regret it, or are you just saying that to make me feel shame?

Wash your hands of me if you will. Talk to me as though I don’t understand the consequences of my actions if it comforts you to do so. Speak ill of me to others if you must. However, know that I have found peace with my decisions, and with that peace has come freedom.

God knows my struggles. He knows the tears I have cried, and the hurt that I have endured. He knows what is in my heart, and that is all that truly counts.

I do not wish L ill will. I sincerely hope that he will be ok. I will keep you all in my thoughts through this difficult time.

As I think over these things a few hours later, I realize that some things, and some people will never change.  There are some individuals in this world who simply do not have the ability to step outside themselves and see the world through different eyes.

Even still, I beg of you…please do not let my words fall on deaf ears.  When a survivor sets limits and boundaries within his or her life, he or she does so for a reason.  Please respect that.  You may not agree with them.  You may have your own perspective as a survivor, and feel that you have great knowledge to share.  However, if a survivor does not ask you to tell them what you think of their decisions, please, please, please refrain from doing so.  It takes a lot to heal, and sometimes we have to make choices that seem backwards to the rest of the world.  Yet, if we are ever to learn to speak for ourselves and trust that we can learn to heal our broken hearts, others must give us the chance to do so.

Please don’t judge me.  I’ve had enough of that in my life…

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