No Love Here…

Last week, a friend was telling me about troubles they were having with their father.  The situation was very familiar to me, and we talked for a while about respect, adulthood, and the right to make choices of our own.

The following morning, I began to think about how old I was when I finally separated myself from my father.  In doing so, I realized that it has been 8 years since I last visited him.  (Time sure flies when you are at peace…)

As I thought about this, another realization came to me – I have not loved my father since I was four.  After that time, my father became a very controlling, scary man, who just provided a place to live.  For years, I felt bad because thought I was “supposed to love” my father, and I really didn’t feel what everyone said I was supposed to.  I tortured myself with guilt because, to me, this meant I was a bad child.

It is so odd to realize this and see it in perspective now.  I feel better releasing the burden of guilt over not feeling things I thought I should have and simply accepting that these things were never cultivated in my life.  There are no more strings attached, and I no longer have ties to this man. Woohoo!