At it Again…

Recently, I have started to feel the urge to speak out publicly grow stronger.  I have known for years that my goal in healing was to be able to one day speak without fear, regret, or a fictitious name.  To help others by allowing them to know me and giving them the opportunity to truly see that healing is possible, and so is life after the pain.

It has been a very scary thought to ponder, and there are quite a few draw backs that I still consider as I think of the possibilities.  I still worry that, upon speaking out, I can never take it back. Once I lay everything out for the world to see, I will be subject to their opinions, beliefs, distrust, and judgment.  I do not wish to confront my abusers, so there will be no accusations or naming, but I know that family members will want to know who the abusers were.  I can keep my secret because I know that it would cause me more damage to be forced to deal with my abusers, than to keep certain thing to myself.  Yet I know that it will be a serious issue.

Last, but not least, I feel I should tell my father.  Although we do not speak, and I do not wish to have a relationship with him, I feel that he has a right to know what I am preparing to share with others.  I thought about writing a letter to share what happened to me, so that he would not hear it from strangers and be shocked.  Yet, what started out as an informative note, has now become a somewhat accusatory letter.  There are so many things that need to be said…

I am not sure if I am even on the right track here.  Maybe I shouldn’t write the letter.  Maybe I should just leave things as they are.  I know that speaking out is important, and that it could help someone else – but sometimes I worry that I am not quite ready for the ugly mess that is going to come spilling out once the flood gates are opened…

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