From a message I sent this morning, regarding the pain my parent’s (father & step-mother) feel over losing me…
I know it hurts mom that I can’t be there, and I hate that because she is a wonderful person. Unfortunately, she married a jerk and has to suffer for his choices. I thought those messages were from daddy since the e-mail address is in his name. I would love to be able to communicate with her, but I don’t want to make life even more difficult for her – because she would either have to lie to him or put up with him being a jerk because she can talk to me and he can’t.
It’s not fair that our family has been destroyed by his self-centered, self-righteous, bitter out look on life. I used to be so afraid that I was a bad daughter for feeling that way. Yet, after I separated myself from him, I was amazed to find that most people who have met him feel that way too. Almost everyone I know ends up telling me, “I know he is your father, but I don’t like him. He is such a hypocrite. How can you stand him?” Funny thing is, they tell me this before I even mention what I think of him.
What really gets me is that, with all of the pain that he puts everyone through, he still prays so blindly for God to soften our hearts – when it is his heart that needs to be transformed.
I don’t hate him, I just don’t like him very much. His self-righteousness and piety protects him from the world – but it keeps him from being a true man of God and a loving husband and father. I still pray that God will speak to him just one more time, and maybe that for once in his life, he will stop listening to his own voice long enough to hear. Yet I know that, if he is determined to ignore God’s voice, God could turn his world upside down, and he still would not heed His call – that is the divine right of free will.
Even still, if God were to change him today, it is too late for us to repair the damage that has been done. He is not someone I want in my life because I will never be able to trust him again. Forgiveness can be given easily, but trust that is broken repeatedly cannot be restored…
Sorry for the rant….just builds up sometimes.