the voices in my head…

Close the door,
Shut out the world.
Ignore the phone –
Enter a space in time
That is mine alone.

Stillness, silence –
No one speaks.
I set the world apart
So I can learn to live,
And become myself again

No one understands
This ritual that I perform –
But this is where I go
To quiet the voices,
That live inside my head.

~ 2007 Kylee Jones

Over the years, I have learned to quiet the voices.  They speak in hushed tones, and most of the time, I don’t even know what they are saying anymore.  Yet there are times that the inner dialogue that I learned as a child runs so long that it drains me of my energy.

This dialogue is one that is familiar to most abused children. It is the one that constantly questions behaviors. It is meant to help us identify and modify behaviors that may increase the risk of danger in our lives.  As we get older, it becomes less useful and begins to cause worry and anxiety.

People who know me do not always understand that I need time away to recharge.  That time may be sitting alone for hours or going shopping or to the movies by myself.  The point is, whatever I do, I need time to be completely alone – no phone, no conversations.  It is only when I am able to achieve this aloneness that the voices are able to rest, and a peaceful harmony is restored.  Then, once more, I can rejoin the world in peace.

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Neurosis…

Today I thought about how one day, if I have children, the time will come when they will want to spend the night with their grandparents.  While I know that nothing would happen to them in my mother’s care – I know that I will be afraid to let them go.

Why?  Because my father never let me spend the night with anyone other than my grandparents and his niece.  The only places he ever allowed me to spend the night ended up being the ones where I was molested.  Yes, after I moved in with my mother, I had quite a few positive experiences at sleep-over’s – but that will not stop the fear from coming to the surface.

Who knows, I may never have children – but if I do, I don’t want to be one of those neurotic parents that are afraid to let their children do anything.  I don’t want my past to cause them to miss out on the wonderful things in life.

Of course, everyone always says that knowing is half the battle.  Maybe realizing where my fears come from will help me to calm them when the time comes…