Hiding myself…

I had a dream last night that reminded me of my greatest struggle in life – to be the person I am inside.

That sounds a little insane, I know, but it is true.  There is a part of me that no one sees.  People have seen it before, my friends have all experienced it at some point.  However, when that part of me “escapes,” everyone runs and hides – and I am deserted once again.  The hurts of my childhood, and the whispers that I will never be good enough come back to haunt me.  It is then that I disappear again, only to be caught in fleeting glimpses.  That is why the song “Disappear” by Jars of Clay speaks to me so much…

Where did all of this come from? My childhood was a good start.  Constantly being told to suck it up, that my feelings didn’t matter, and that I was stupid for caring created a fairly cold shell that I retreated into when the world became to close.  Add in some “friends” whose goal was to constantly tear me down, and you get the neurosis that is me….

Yet along the way, there have been a few moments in time when I have been at peace with myself and able to share who I am with someone else.  Unfortunately, these times were generally followed by someone I cared deeply for deserting me.

Once deserted, I begin to retreat again because the only other people I am attached to want no part of the person inside.  They tell me they don’t know how to act, what to say, or what to do when I become myself.  They say they are afraid they will hurt me.  They are afraid that, because I am open, they will be forced to be open too…

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