In the past few years, I have made great strides in coming to terms with my experiences as a child, and the effects that they have left behind. Over time, I have come to understand that many of the things that I believed to be true about myself were incorrect because my perception had been marred by the beliefs of my abusers. I have become someone who is comfortable in her own skin, and who believes that she is worthy and worthwhile.
And yet, there are still moments (like today, when I was watching Ice Princess) that I fear so many things about the person I am, and who I am to become.
What do I fear? I fear…
That I will never be good enough
That I will never be anything more than mundane
That I will never make a difference
That I will never be unique
That I can never aspire to accomplish my hopes & dreams
That I will always be inadequate
Those are the things I fear. I know that my fears are irrational – that they are a by-product of my childhood. I have been conditioned to believe that failure is inevitable. I have been taught that it is shameful to fail. That is why I will not reach for anything that I am not positive I can accomplish – for I will surely fall and it will break me. I was broken for the first twenty years of my life, and I just don’t think I could stand to be broken once again…
And then I go on with daily life. I suck it up, forget that I am afraid, and return to the struggle of maintaining a life that is safe and secure.