One of the reasons I began my healing journey was because I was consumed with anger against one of my abusers. Every day, I woke up with the thought of seeing his name in the paper under the obituaries. I could not reconcile myself with the thought that, while my life had come to a crashing halt, he was carrying on like nothing had ever happened. He was happy (I guessed), successful, and had everything he needed – yet I could not function on a level that was anywhere near normal.
It took a long time for me to cope with my need for vengeance. My counselor helped me understand that there were only two ways to keep it from consuming me – confront my abuser, or release the need to seek retribution. Because I did not feel that confronting him would bring closure or resolution, I chose to let go of those feelings of hate, anger, and pain so that I could move on with my life.
It was very difficult at first. As time went on, however, I began to understand that, one day, they will understand the pain and suffering they have caused. And, even though it may seem like my abusers have “great” lives, their hearts and souls are diseased. In time, the disease will take it’s toll on them, and they will pay a dear price for the harm they have done in this life.
Yet, at the same time, I fear that my silence may bring harm to others. I know that one of my abusers attempted to harm someone about 30 years before I was abused, and that he was abusing someone else at the same time that I was abused. This makes it a very real possibility that he will attempt to harm another child.
If I spoke out now, how many people would take me seriously? It has been over twenty years since I was abused, and I began having flashbacks in my teens. Everyone will want to know, if I was really abused, why didn’t I say something earlier? I could stand to lose so much in this life that I have finally pieced together if people take me as some crazed attention seeker…
I do not want to or need to seek vengeance for myself, but at the same time, how many children may be hurt because I do not speak out?