Tension…

Oh, how quickly I am undone when there is tension in the room.Even after all this time it still does not take much to make me fall apart. With one look, a slightly raised voice, a mood swing or a harsh answer I am quivering inside. It may not even have anything to do with me, but if someone does not calm down quickly or explain to me what’s going on, my mind and body go on alert.

I try so hard to be understanding and realize that other stessors could impact the situation. However, when someone takes it out on me, it’s hard not to let my feelings get involved. As my mind starts clicking through things I might have done, I begin to work to minimize damage by shutting down.

“Be quiet. Say what you must. Don’t let them know your feelings are hurt – it will only piss them off. Do anything possible to remove outside irritators in order to prevent greater wrath.”

After doing all these things, I begin to get angry myself. I begin to think of how hard I am trying to accommodate this unreasonable person and how it isn’t helping much. I think about how tense my body is, and how it is not my fault. Add this to my already racing pulse and I am usually just about ready to explode.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be ok. I know that all of it has to do with my childhood, but it is very hard to stop. I want to be ok. I want to shrug it off.

But then I wonder – “What if it really was my fault.”

Advertisements