Along the way I have learned that the healing process brings joy and sorrow, sometimes wrapped up in one. It is a beautiful thing that sometimes makes me sad.
Like the time that I saw my father in my brother. That moment opened my eyes to the man my father was and forever will remain. It gave me a new perspective on my mother, and my relationship with my brother. That moment released me somehow. I learned that I was not a bad child, simply a child who could no longer live with the anger and abuse. It brought me joy because it brought freedom.
Yet, at the same time, it brought sorrow because I knew that these traits now live in my brother. I can see him treating his ex-wife and daughter as my father treated my mother and me. Not only this, but the knowledge came that I would never have a relationship with my father. Thus, the sadness in my joy.
Or, like the time that I realized that my grandmother had the power to stop my grandfather and never did. I was so angry with her. It hurt me so much to know that she never said a word. No one told me that I was not the only one. No one ever told anything.
But I understand why she never spoke. He threatened that he would kill her before he would let her divorce him! She felt she had to threaten him silently by having my cousin at the divorce hearing. She is a fragile woman in mind, and she has done what she felt she had to. Just as I must do what I have to. Her silence brings me sorrow, but my understanding brings me comfort.
There is joy in my freedom, even though it brings others sorrow. I am sad that I can never have a relationship with these two people, but I know that one day they will understand. Many tell me that I will feel differently when my father and grandmother pass. Though I know this is true, it is not for the reasons they believe. It is because I know that, when that day comes, there will be a release of all the secrets. Both will know the pain that they have caused, and why I never came. True forgiveness will blanket all the wrongs, and peace will touch us all. Bittersweet will be that day, but pain will not touch my heart.