1. Even though abuse may be the cause of my behaviors, it is not an excuse for them.
2. Knowing what occurred, how it occurred, or how many times it occurred is not as important as simply understanding that something did occur.
3. Repressed memories are repressed for a reason.
4. My psyche is an amazing thing. It knows what I can handle and when.
5. Telling the story is not as important as sharing the secret.
6. Counseling that focuses on the events more than their effects does more harm than good.
7. You will not find validation until you validate yourself.
8. The cycle may begin with someone else, but it can end with me.
9. I am not responsible for my abusers bad choices or the consequences thereof.
10. The objective of healing is to learn and grow.
Along the way I have learned that the healing process brings joy and sorrow, sometimes wrapped up in one. It is a beautiful thing that sometimes makes me sad.
Like the time that I saw my father in my brother. That moment opened my eyes to the man my father was and forever will remain. It gave me a new perspective on my mother, and my relationship with my brother. That moment released me somehow. I learned that I was not a bad child, simply a child who could no longer live with the anger and abuse. It brought me joy because it brought freedom.
Yet, at the same time, it brought sorrow because I knew that these traits now live in my brother. I can see him treating his ex-wife and daughter as my father treated my mother and me. Not only this, but the knowledge came that I would never have a relationship with my father. Thus, the sadness in my joy.
Or, like the time that I realized that my grandmother had the power to stop my grandfather and never did. I was so angry with her. It hurt me so much to know that she never said a word. No one told me that I was not the only one. No one ever told anything.
But I understand why she never spoke. He threatened that he would kill her before he would let her divorce him! She felt she had to threaten him silently by having my cousin at the divorce hearing. She is a fragile woman in mind, and she has done what she felt she had to. Just as I must do what I have to. Her silence brings me sorrow, but my understanding brings me comfort.
There is joy in my freedom, even though it brings others sorrow. I am sad that I can never have a relationship with these two people, but I know that one day they will understand. Many tell me that I will feel differently when my father and grandmother pass. Though I know this is true, it is not for the reasons they believe. It is because I know that, when that day comes, there will be a release of all the secrets. Both will know the pain that they have caused, and why I never came. True forgiveness will blanket all the wrongs, and peace will touch us all. Bittersweet will be that day, but pain will not touch my heart.
Oftentimes, there are so many questions I would like to ask, like:
Why does my father hate my mother so much that he wanted to destroy our love for her?
Why did he dismiss the bruises he put on my body?
Couldn’t he see that he was breaking my heart?
Why didn’t he ever realize that something was terribly wrong?
Did he ever stop to think that his vengeance towards my mom put me in the hands of molesters?
Why did my grandmother tell me it was my fault?
Why didn’t she tell someone?
When they found out my cousin had been molested, why didn’t someone tell me?
Why didn’t her father press charges?
Does my cousin feel the way I do?
Yet, my questions go unanswered and silence is all that remains.
Several have asked me to post a journal to chronicle my healing journey. Well, here it is. I don’t know how this will go, but I certainly hope it will be of some assistance to someone out there.
Please keep in mind that I may not post very often at times, while at others, I may post frequently. Everything depends greatly on my frame of mind and the circumstances surrounding me. However, I hope to keep some sort of stability in whatever I do here.
For now, I must go. Visit often and always remember to keep my site in mind.
Love & Hugs,