Two Years Later… (an excerpt from my original Survivor site)

When I started this page two years ago, I never would have thought that I would be able to tell you that life was good. Yet, here I am, saying those very words! LIFE IS SO GOOD!! What more could I ask for?

Some of you have become very familiar with my journey, others have just begun to examine it. No matter what you have read, I want you to know above all things about the new life that I have. It’s been a really long time since I have been able to write to you about the things in my life, but I felt I just had to stop an share. Someone needs to hear the words I am about to say.

Life was really hard to stand up under for a long time. It hurt to know that the people that were supposed to love me thought so little of me. Part of me died when I realized that the love that I had for others was not returned. This was not only true for my grandfather and my cousin, but for my best friend too. The person I imagined I would spend forever with was ripped from my life. Not only was my heart empty, but my soul had a gigantic hole that I thought I could never fill. I just wanted to die. I would no longer be empty. None of this would matter anymore.

Time went on, even though I thought it was extremely unfair that everyone else’s lives could continue when mine had halted. I could not see how everyone else could just keep going and leave me there in that dark place – alone. Now I know that it was a place that no one else could go. It was a place where I did not want to be alone, but I was the only one who knew the way through the darkness. So I stumbled along. My friends were there. They loved me through it all. Please don’t think they left me – it was only that they could not follow.

Light came into my heart, and the emptiness began to fill. I found places that my friends could visit. Sometimes it hurt to let them see the destruction in my soul. I did not want them to know how horrible it looked in there, but they came. Somehow, my heart healed. The only explanation I have is that God started to smooth out the rough walls. Jesus showed me his scars. He had been abandoned and alone. His friends could not follow him – he even told them that once. He knew the darkness when he was left to his pain – forsaken by all he loved.

Remodeling had begun. Once, every room was hung with dark curtains and decorated in sparse furniture. I wasn’t going to stay in those places, and I certainly would not invite anyone else in those deepest rooms. All they were allowed to see the small waiting room that was nice and cheery, but they knew there was a secret behind the door. The curtains came down, and where there once was only darkness, there was light. Every room had a view, each more lovely than the last. Elegant furniture, flowers, and life.

How did I get here, I prayed, and I cried. I let go of myself – let go of my pain. I could not hold these things, because they held me. Yet, when I stopped trying, they let go of me. I guess pain is a lot like me. It likes to be wanted. If you hold on – it will take hold of you, but when you let go – it lets go of you.

Life is good. It’s not perfect. I still have my fears like, “What if I find someone who loves me, and I tell them about this part of me, and they do not want me anymore?” It’s irrational, I know, but it is still a fear that grabs me sometimes. One day, someone will show me that I am wrong, but I have to believe it first.

I have to go now. I hope that what I have said has touched you and given you hope. You can go on. You will get though. Just hold on and believe.

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